yesterday, i had a sudden revelation of how old i really am. It was my sec 4 class bbq and i was the only one from my clique who went which is really weird because:
- I would NEVER go to my class bbqs. not in the past, not ever. i think they're lame.
- My friends are not going why would i?
Correction, i would never go to my sec 4 class bbq because i wouldn't say that I am particularly close with my class. I would however, go to bbqs if I think the people that are going are people i am close with.
but, that is not the point. ha. the point is i have no idea why in hell would i agree to go to this year's class bbq seeing that i rejected them for the past 4 years every time they organise one. Maybe because this time sl, sana and kat are there and it is afterall held in kat's condo. If i was bored out of my brains at least we could go up to hers and play mj and ignore everyone downstairs.
I remember feeling fucked as i approached closer and closer to the bbq pit. I remember scolding myself for being stupid to agree and my mind keeps replaying any possible akward scenes that may happen.
And when i finally reached the bbq pit, i remember the initial akwardness I felt and i kept scolding myself for being gei kiang to go without my friends there and so i was the odd one out. but as the night progressed, i started to remember how it was like in the past and started to talk with every single person from my class that was there.
Maybe it was sl and sana that made me feel a little more comfortable with my surroundings. I really don't know. I started to feel more like myself and really started to mingle and chat with my ex-classmates. And then I remember how comfortable I felt with them in the past. Long ago in a time where everything and everyone was still innocent and simple. The only stress we had was 'O' levels and that was all. And then I wish that we were still in that stage, young, naive and without a care in the world.
Anyway, the point is everyone has changed but yet not really in their own special way. People I have not seen in years tell me I am still the same. as qian da as ever. ha. and then I start to wonder why in the world would I even feel akward in the first place. Everyone is still as nice and fun as before, it's just that I never really took the time to really meet up and know them ever since we graduated.
I'm really happy I got to see ali, gwen, dhurga and friends. They're still the same, still my friends. ha. and something has changed in dhurga. she's more fun and out-going than compared to the past. It was really fun talking to her. =D
and what shocked me the most was how much jeremy chin and darren have changed. They were the only guys from my class that came.. cept for sree. haha. especially jeremy chin. and no, his hair is not as Q as before. haha. he has really matured ever since i last saw him which was in school. haha. He no longer is the irritating little bugger that use to irritate the hell out of me. He is now SUPER matre and religious. yes, you saw right, RELIGIOUS. he has since turned to christ and my god has he really changed. he looks and sounds much better than before. he even remembers stuff that I don't remember anymore. like his monster spider compo and that i got him a b.u.m. underwear for his birthday, which i seriously don't remember. HAHA. but ya. he remembers! my god. he even still has my number on his phone even though for 4 years we had absolutely NO contact at all. yes, i am ashamed to say that I deleted his a long time ago. haha. not that i am saying he is not as irritating as before. he still is and i wanted to kill him last night because of it but he has a changed aura and he really carried himself differently now. he even invited dhurga and bf to his church. hmmm.
and darren tan.. i really didn't talk to him at all. haha. sad to say i was still very bias against him last night. because i remember every time i talk to him in the past i will get a super qian bian answer out of him so in time i just completely shut him out. everytime he talked to me online or ask me to go class bbq, i would either not reply or give a mono word reply. when i got to the bbq he was already there with sree and i remember rolling my eyes at how typical this would be. haha. his hair and dressing really pissed me off. haha. he looks even more like an ah beng. but what really pisses me off was how skinny he became. He used to be super skinny already but now... it's like he'll disappear anytime. and that really pisses me off because i'm indirectly proportionate to his size. hahaha! but ya, throughout the whole bbq i did not say a word to him at all. but because towards the end, sl was talking to his group which constist of shihua and liwen and sree, i ended up talking to them too. I was apprehensive at first because from the outside, it looked like nothing changed about him except his weight but as he started talking, i noticed the difference. he for once, is not as qian da as he was the past. his sentence now has no hint of qian bian-ness at all and they actually sound mature and sincere for once. I remember how they were saying that me and sl did not go for last year's bbq at his condo and he said it was because we didn't like him. and his face was so serious, his voice so sincere when he said it, i think he really meant it. and at that point, i started feeling guilty which i shouldn't but ya. hmm. and during the bbq, liwen passed him my cup to ask him to refill it and instead of the usual qian bian-ness i was expecting to get from him, he gladly took my cup and refilled it. with ice summor. no complains. AT ALL. if it were the past, i would've gotten hell and a lot of nagging from him. and then when we were leaving, liwen asked him if he could send me home since he was sending her home too and our houses are super near, he said okay with no complains. and on the way home, if i ever asked him a question or talk to him, he would reply me sincerely without any bull crap which was really shocking to me. and i remember for wanting to kick li wen because she told him to drop me off last which was logical due to the route he was taking and i tried to talk her out of it without being too obvious that i was not ready to be stuck in his car alone with him on the way home feeling akward. and he said "don't worry la, i'm not going to take you to sell." i thought i was being subtle but apparently not. haha. and i felt rather guilty when he found out. haha. but anyway, heavy point is the short 3 minutes car ride hom alone with him after he dropped li wen off was not as akward as i imagined and the way he talks to me really changed. now he's more mature than before, thinks before he speaks and speaks really gently to me. He speaks as if like a father talking to his daughter, any louder or rougher and i would cry. which is really a huge change for him as i would expect him to be kp and stuff but instead i got gentle and mature. hmmm.
anyway, my point is people really do change over the years and it has really got me thinking of whether or not it is me who refuses to let go of the past and just take a look at my surroundings now and appriciate the changes life has brought upon us. hmmm.
all i know is if there is ever a 4e2 bbq again, i would definately be going. =)
you never leave my thoughts.